Friday, April 10, 2009

The Marvelous Toy(s)- Part 2

So let's continue the discussion of the Nonna and Papa toy insanity. Today I present to you (drumroll please...)

Exhibit B: M's Present- The Calico Critters Fancy-Ass House and Play Table!

We continue with the photo-essay format because if I tried to explain this to you by just using my big-girl words, you would think I was full of shit.

Here we have the house and play table pictured fully assembled. Yes, you read that right- FULLY ASSEMBLED. Already this toy is kicking the shit out of the Playmobil Hospital .

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that while the house came assembled, I did have to put the play table together. But that's okay because I got to use my Makita Cordless Impact Driver to assemble it.

If I was a man, this thing would give me so much wood. Forget the vibrators, ladies- get yourself a REAL power tool!

Um... yeah. Instead of inserting an awkward segue, let's just move on, shall we? Thanks.

Here we have our new little friends, the Calico Critters, as seen in their natural suburban, molded plastic, PCB generating, environmentally poisoning, gonad shrinking habitat. But they're so fucking cute!

Let's meet the families, shall we? First we have the Norwood Mouse Family with Father Chester-Cheddar, Mother Brie, Brother Colby and Sister Nibbles.

And then we have the Buttercup Cat family. The Buttercup family owns the Ice Cream Shop in Cloverleaf Corners. Father Ben likes to experiment with different recipes, and he can certainly count on his kids Cliff and Caramel to try any new flavor he creates. Mother Sherry, on the other hand, makes sure her family does not subsist on ice cream alone and insists that the kids always eat their dinner first.

You totally think I am making this shit up, don't you? That I am sitting here just fucking with you because I have nothing better to do? That I have spent the last few months taking bong hits and hanging out at Toys R Us? Blame the people at International Playthings. While it sounds like a very high-end, James Bond-esque escort service, International Playthings is the distributor of Calico Critters. But maybe they distribute other toys as well- it does say that Father Ben likes to 'experiment'. Hey, I'm not here to judge.

So now that we've met the inhabitants, let's check out the Calico Critter's digs. Again, I employ the use of the quarter for scale.

The book shelf- with removable books. Who knew cats could read?

And a few little knicknacks to make the place feel more like home. Shit, now the cats are fucking interior designers?

And they come with accessories too...

I just know that I am going to end up picking these things out of poop some day soon.

Its like the baby kitties are taunting me...'You know you want to hate us, but we're so fucking cute you can't stand it. Love us. Worship us. Keep track of all our tiny pieces of plastic shit'.

And of course the critters have furniture too. Hell, I pay a mortgage for a house that's not nearly this nice (and only marginally bigger). It makes sense that the tiny play critters have nicer shit than me too.

Oh yeah, they're really sticking it to me now. Bastards.

So the construction and decorating are completed and we are well versed in the history of our new tiny friends. What to do now?

Well, I did what any mature adult 13 year old boy would do when given the opportunity to play with tiny little critters... I arranged them into various pornographic tableaux.

Giggle... giggle...snort... heheheh.

Sorry. I know that was wrong. I know you can never un-see that.

Let's just go to the final statistics:

Number of power tools needed for assembly: 0

Number of power tools used for assembly: 1 (awesome)

Number of different species living under the same roof in Calico Critters House: 4

Possibility that Calico Critters is some bizzare polygamist sect with headquarters in Waco Texas: Fairly likely

Cuteness of Calico Critters on a scale of 1-10: 11

Sex acts portrayed by critters that are illegal in 13 states: At least 2. More if you reside in the state of Georgia.

Number of times I have knocked M out of the way so I could play with the critters: Not telling


The Bugala's said...

"First we have the Norwood Mouse Family with Father Chester-Cheddar, Mother Brie, Brother Colby and Sister Nibbles. "

Shouldn't they be called the cheese family!?? I am dying over here laughing so hard! Only you!

Kierstin said...

you never cease to amuse me! :)

Puppyface Creations said...

Oh my God... that is too f'n funny!