Monday, February 23, 2009

How to Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich in 22 Easy Steps

  1. Select the bread. It must be soft and white. Do not attempt to increase the nutritional value of the sandwich by using whole wheat (or god forbid, multigrain) bread. Even the use of the new 'whole wheat' white bread is suspect as the highly cultivated palate of the average 3 year old can detect when the amount of high fructose corn syrup has been reduced to make room for things like vitamins.
  2. Next, select the jelly. Do not ask what kind of jelly the child would like on his sandwich since he will invariably answer 'red'. Red may be his favorite color, but it is not his favorite jelly. You will know this, having made sandwiches with red jelly before, only to have them thrown on the floor because red jelly is 'yucky'. Open the refrigerator door wide enough to sneak out the grape jelly without the 3 year old seeing.
  3. If you are a total novice and are actually stupid enough to let the child see inside of the refrigerator, he will see the red jelly and start loudly demanding that you use the red jelly. He will insist that he likes red jelly. Don't fall for it. Remember that he is 3 and full of shit. You are the mom. Get the grape jelly.
  4. Put the grape jelly back in the fridge and get the red jelly. Then grab the grape jelly using a stealthy behind the back maneuver. Hide the grape jelly under your shirt.
  5. Attempt to stall a full-on ‘I-want-red-jelly’ meltdown by distracting 3 year old with an Oreo while you swap out the red jelly for grape.
  6. Get the peanut butter.
  7. Discover that the only peanut butter in the house is ‘Super Chunky’. Feel vague sense of impending doom.
  8. Go ahead and make sandwich using chunky peanut butter and grape jelly. Try not to feel smug about your clever jelly swap out technique. Karma hates smugness.
  9. Cut sandwiches into dinosaur shapes using dinosaur shaped sandwich cutter, using utmost care to ensure that the dinosaur head and legs stay attached. Contemplate how mothers for millennia got children to eat sandwiches without the use of fancy dinosaur shaped cutters.
  10. If you accidentally decapitate dinosaur while cutting out sandwiches, do not attempt to glue head back on to sandwich with extra peanut butter; it’s a totally amateur move and the kid will see right through your bullshit plan. Make a new sandwich and eat evidence of decapitated dino.
  11. If you have made the sandwich using the last 2 slices of bread in the house… well, you’re fucked.
  12. Carefully arrange dinosaur sandwiches (and heads) on plate. Add several additional Oreos to plate and hope that the 3 year old will not notice that the dinosaur heads are not actually attached to the dinosaur. Call child to table with overabundance of enthusiasm and bravado.
  13. Stand back and watch cautiously as child begins to eat sandwich. Victory is yours!
  14. Remember what I said about karma? Child discovers that sandwich is made with crunchy peanut butter and starts whining, ‘But I don’t liiiiiiiike crunchy peanut butteeeeeer!!!!!’. Come up with a clever response now, you smug motherfucker.
  15. In stroke of genius move, tell child that it’s NOT chunky peanut butter, they’re DINOSAUR BONES. This will surely add to the coolness factor of the dinosaur sandwiches and thus make them so irresistible the child will wolf them down without further questioning of peanut butter texture.
  16. Go to cabinet to get shot of whiskey after child protests for the 17th time, ‘But I don’t liiiiiiiiiiike dinooooosaur boooooooones!!!!!!’
  17. Make new rule that the only peanut butter that can be brought into the house must be smooth. Petition Congress to make the production of crunchy peanut butter a capital offense, punishable by death.
  18. Consider how to make new sandwich with no bread. Peruse cabinets for acceptable bread substitute.
  19. Make note for future reference: tortillas, bagels, English muffins, and pita are not acceptable bread substitutes to a three year old.
  20. Round out Oreo cookie lunch with the addition of M&Ms and bananas. Resolve that dinner will be healthy.
  21. Hide in pantry and scarf down remaining Oreos in package in an attempt to assuage mommy-guilt.
  22. Countdown to nap time. Halleluiah.


All About Amelia said...

lisa - you crack me up! seriously funny shit!

chipz95 said...

That's great! I was wondering why you just couldn't glue back on the head, but no I understand :)

Kelli said...

I want you to seriously consider writing a book. You are so funny and after seeing all the "funny" mommy books out there yours would top them all.

You'd sell millions. I'd of course be your agent and we'd fight about what percentage you'd give me, finally agreeing on 35%. We drink to celebrate your success. I can see it now. Get working on that book so I can be rich.

chipz95 said...

You will need PR representation as well to land coveted spots on The View and Rachael Ray. I will be willing to lower my fee to 12% as long as you supply me with an ample supply of homemade cupcakes as noted in our contract.

Lisa said...

Girls I think we could have a deal. I may need legal representation as well. Do you think Lynn will work for 10% and some brownies?